My Fantasy

2009-10-31T06:32:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of drama.
Tired of people trying to make as if they understand me.
I am just like a story book, open with the pages writing about my life,
neither do I hide and act like somebody else,
why does so many people fails to understand me?

I am just simply me.
Simply Complicated.

And no I don't act, fake as if I am like you.
Jealous?

Random insert: { Saddness exisit if you want to be happy. You can never be happy if you are not sad at times}

{In a game of love , there is no winner or losers. There is only real and fake players}

{Being inpractical- is being practical}

{ True is what has not been proven fake}

{There is only hope when there is hopeless situation}

{Light is best only in dark}

{What you see, might not be what you think}

{Movies only have happy endings, because the auidence want them to}
Most people will wonder what I do at times,
I watch dramas, write stories, listen to songs etc.
But most of my time, know what I do?

I am thinking? Not about the future or past.
I am thinking about everything else in this world.

Why why why, am I here?
Is there a reason to exist?
Is life really that exhausting to live?

Oh well, I am not a really emo person,
I just well... think about emo things?
Well...hey! At least I got a life,
my life is not the usual - always about shopping,studies,fashion,popular,wealth...
I live in my ideas.
I decide in my life what is right or wrong.

Cause I have the eyes to see what should be mine, right, vaules.
I don't easily get influenced by advertisment, what people say without the envidence,
or by just popular craze.
But neither am I against those. I won't go like "hey, i don't wanna do this cause its popular now!" -_-

I have mind to decide what is correct or wrong.
I have choices that I make.
Not by pressure. ( though...sometimes yea...)

I don't live in my own cage ( well, maybe I do )
At least, I won't do what I really hate
or don't want to do.
I make choices.
I prefered to live in my cage,
ya, because so then I don't have to
act like somebody else that you all like.

I am not pretty, nice, sweet cute little girl at all.
Because I know, I am not perfect.
But at least whatever I do,
I know I can look upon myself as a human,
not an actor.

I never tried to hurt others,
I hate dramas,
I tried to help whenever I can
though to only those good-will people
I don't wish to save a bad person,
only to regret later. Noob ya?

I watch tv when I like,
I don't go like OH NO, I need to revise my chinese today because my exam is next month?
I don't go like I WANT TO run 10run and stop eatting for 2 days because I wanna be thin..
Whatever...

I know I am fat, but I won't torture myself just to look good.
I wear makeup because I know I won't look good even with makeup,
and so I better wear it to make sure my face is not-too-bad.
Though i usually just put on powder...-_-

We never know when will life end, why make things hard for yourself and everyone around you?
I remeber one of my friend was dieting so bad, because her mum forced her to.

No, I won't be that stupid to listen to such suggestion.
Deh, what kind of mother is that? To force her daughter to eat only 2 slice of bread per day, and doing exercise at night.

When I told my mum about it, my mum warn me never to do that.
And I know why, its because, she will be heart-aching if I torture myself like that...
Oh well, at least I thought most mother will do that...

Oh and by the way, I am looking for a religion.
Because I need to like "plan" for future huh?
Can't believe some of my friends who plan alot doesn't plan a coffin yet?

Anyway, religion is impt too. Gives you a moral guide.
And also make sure, that you don't live like...in the matrix?
For those who don't understand. I meant, who want to live like a dream,
without knowing why and what happen is a reason,
or to be just a like a cow or fish,
just live to work to earn money to buy food to eat to sleep when tired
work-eat-sleep
Ok, maybe some lucky ones will get happiness that last for a couple of years.

Then phw, disappear into thin air.

Bye bye.

But not me
I wanna know the reason why
I live, you live and the world live
In happyiness,in sadness in horror.

If your religion explains these.
Please tell me
so I won't be troubled.

So I can finally be happy.

2009-10-30T06:57:00.001-07:00

Grrr...I just typed a list of things and the whole post went blank!! Grrr I hate this thing! (Kicks it)

Anyway, instead of being such a nice girl and type out the whole introduction and my feelings of starting of coming back to start a blog. I am going to just write some dang deh stuff because (BLAME THAT STUPID POST FOR GOING BLANK,MAKE ME NO MOOD TO REWRITE ANYTHING!! GRR!!!!!!!!)..anyway, what was I saying? Oh ya, please make sure to note that the words in brackets are only for like self-reference.

Ohkay! Cools things about ME!

Facts:
I hate watching some drama- silly happy fairy tale love story, that goes like:
"Poor Cinderella got rescued by the prince!!! OMG!!!"
-.- What the...(what 18th century?)

I hate happily ever after too
(Misleading for kids...)

I hate pink ( Well not always, just maybe...)

I hate bimbos+bi*** combos ( Don't worry, I mean a mixture of both, because its ok if one is pretty without brains but its not ok to be pretty, without brains and yet be mean ya?)

I hate watching super sad movies ( because I will cry like...a few pails of tears?)

I hate reading boring stuff ( Er...schwork?...)

I hate people who hurt other people ( Because no one should hurt others of their same kind...unless like they are animals? Deh...)

I hate the world as I grow older.
Because the world gets uglier as I grow older.
That is why my blog is:
Unseen Fantasy

I used to thought.
That the world is such a beautiful place.
Where all the bad guys get arrested by cops.
Where everyone is rewared for their effort.
Where every kid will smile when they are good.
Where all parents love their children.
Where all heros survive longer than the bad guys.
Where the betrayer gets punish.
Where people will all realise their own mistake.
Where people understand what is morally right.
Where love is all around, only happiness exist.

No longer is that true?
Don't believe? Read a newspaper, what do you see?
World Peace got to be the strangest news in the world.

So many people out there is trying their best,
to take someone else's
money,
life,
love,
attention,
hope,
dreams.

Is it because they don't have their own life to live, money to make, love and respect to earned, attention to gain, hopes and dreams in their life.
Some of them are just too self-fish, so they are willing to sacrifice the happiness of others to make their own pleasure.

When I grow up,
all I see in the world,
its a run-down place,
full of emptiness
full of pain
full of cries
full of sorrow
full of tears...

Full of people
who are ugly
who are selfish
who are unreasonable
who are mean
who are inconsiderate
who are immoral
who are happy...
to see others in pain.

This is the world that I see. The unseen fantasy.
Can you hear
or see
the pain in this world.

Some time
I think I am werid because
tears come to my eyes
when I know people are suffering in some place in the world.

Where the bad guys run away scoot-free after commiting crime. And yet live so happily-ever-af...
Where the cops get killed in fights
Where hero became the bad guys
Where betrayers became rich and prosper
Where corruption still exisit
Where parents sell their own children
Where children cry when they are starving to death
Where people only cared about themself
Where people don't care about others
Where people prefer pleasure over morals
Where people only managed to keep the physical more attractive rather than spiritual
Where people spent too much time thinking about what is cool, not what is right
Where people hates one another, trying to compete, trying to win, trying to do so many things just to cover the emptiness in their life.

Why? Do everyone think the way that I do? I don't think so.
Everytime, I read a newspaper
Girl gets raped
Boys got sold as slave
Disease kills...
Injustice prevail
Bad guys ran away
Monks get killed
Protest failed
Hero lost
...

I cried.
For the unseen
fantasy of this world.
Who says fantasy must be nice
it can be a cruel horror story
just like this world
that we are all living in

Maybe some of us
can see that place we live in
it is more than our house, our country etc.

I know some of the people will ask me why I think so much
about things that I cannot change
or do anything about...I will answer briefly I guess.

Because I will cry
For the unseen fantasy of this world.
Because these sorrows never left me.
Because I hope and wish
that the world will gets better
And because I am just only human.

2006-10-07T21:20:00.000-07:00

I WANNA KILL RACHEL, tat was what I am mummbling to myself outside Fish n Co.

The story goes like this...

Rachel was telling me she work part time in a place, near the Fish n Co of a shopping centre, selling ICE CREAM.

I was like ok... then I found Fish n Co... WHEN I REALISE THERE IS A CHINESE RESTARAUNT BESIDE IT!

I was like O.0...

How can rachel be working in a chinese restaurant.

I begin to wait outside, trying to peep in the restaraunt. For like half an hour! Finally, I went over to their menu. trying to search for Ice Cream in the dim sum menu! WTH!!

The waitresses was looking at me like o.O too. Then I went back to my standing area and called 14 times to RACHEL's HANDPHONE. I even called her home and asked her maid, too bad she doesn't know either. I almost wanted to kill her mentally.

All the waiter n waitresses were looking at me and wondering why am I explodin with anger.

FINALLy! I went to ask the chinese restaurant " erm, is there a staff here with the name of Rachel?"
They gave me tat "o.O!!" look.

I went to Fish n Co, I ask the cashier there. GOSH! ALL THE STAFF WERE LOOKING AT ME AS IF I AM MAD OR WAT.
Finally, they got their manager out! CAN U BELIEVE TAT!! ok, he said no.

I was like " WHERE THE HELL RE U RACHEL! I AM GONNA KILL U!!"
Next, I search the entire place, I mean ENTIRE! Got so tired walking up and down. Then I finally found her. I was like @#$%#$%#^! Rachel was laughing like crazy. She didn't even ans my phone even though it's ringing because she FORGOT! 14 times! w o w...

Oh anw, rachel became so beautiful. I mean it. I mean she was beautiful, now she is extremely beautiful. Lol... except her collar was a little too large,haha. Gosh, everyone must take a look at rachel now, she got long hair btw.

Anw rachel, I am still gonna kill u! Haha...

2006-10-05T03:27:00.000-07:00

So FINALLY I AM FREE! Actually, didn't really prepare for this promo, feel kinda guilty...

It shows that I haven adapt my JC life. Cause I was such a slacker in Sec Sch.
I thought I can slack through JC too. Is like in sec sch, I was only mugging the night before exams. Even Chem n Phy, also can pass. But in JC... cannot bluff through...

Today went out with Madeline, Cam and Sam. Gosh was really tiring n FUNNY! Madeline keep laughing at me la, over small stuff. I almost choke on my soup. we took neoprints! I hate tat neoprint for 2 reasons:
1. I look really horrible after exams (all the stress even though is kinda not much of a difference to some)
2. I no money n was not in the mood to take neoprints
But we took it anw, haha.

Oh yah, met Justin too. This shows how small Singapore is. But didn't wear specs as usual, so half blind, cannot see him. Haha. until he wave so long den spot him.

Later went to buy some things for a surprise! And ANW! I change my blogskin! I took like 5 hours! Man, hard stuff! This is my fav game ever! Actually, I feel so happy now! Haha, this story of Final Fantasy, is a long one. It mean so much to me. The song is nice too. Esp the line tat the girl is more than a dress and a voice. I love the story alot n Squall too. Feel tat Rinoa shuld be alittle cooler though.

It creates atmosphere of Fantasy.
Final Fantasy
A Promise

Where have I come from, where am I heading to...

2006-09-16T23:17:00.000-07:00

Look at life...

About a hundred years?

The first twenty you spend it in books, thirty in working like crazy...

Then all the diseases and sickness come to accompany...

Rocking on your chair in your sixties, you close your eyes and reflect...

Telling your grandchildren your childhood...

Then say bye bye to the world...

Where have we come from, where are we heading to...

What can you take away? How to define if your life has been worth it? Have you been smiling everyday from the bottom of your heart?
Have you been making the choice you wanted to?
Have you been living the life you wanted to?

What are u searchin for in life?

A house? A car? True love?
What can you take away...

So what if you have the fame, the love and wealth.
Is that what you want?

To live is to seek what to live for...
Have you found yours?
Or have you forgotten to search for it?

Now I have been living like a machine, a robot. I remember this sentence " Human is Singapore only resource"

Yes. We are like a resource.

Build with knowledge to drive the economy...
For the welfare of our future.

But we are always planning for our future,
we miss the present,
we miss the past...

Is that the way of living? Are you gonna live tat way?

Some people in poorer countries, you realise they live for the sake of living.
To eat, to survive.
There is no reason...
Like animals... open their eyes just in hope of ceasing their hunger...
Close their eyes to get ready for the next day...

Close your eyes now, take a breath... when is the last time you ask yourself?
"Where have I come from, where am I heading to..."

2006-09-05T08:41:00.000-07:00

Haiz, how to mug? Someone teach me eh, I can't seem to focus! Anw, I am madly in love with tis song Behind these Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson, I am trying in vain to upload the song to my blog. Dunno why, but these song remind me of lots of things and is very meaningful. It moved one, right into the core. Everytime I hear this song, I would think of so many things. The feelings of this song is just so deep, so emotional. Esp tis line: For hating you, I blame myself.

Summary of the song in my view:

Used to be so strong against all, just when I let u into my heart, you take away everything from me.
Because I can't deny I dun love you anymore, I can't pretend like I wasn't hurt, but when I hate you, I blame myself that I let you messed my life this way.
But... I wun cry on the outside anymore...

For hating you, I blame myself

2006-09-03T23:12:00.000-07:00

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breatheNo, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to beSo together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

2006-09-01T02:12:00.000-07:00

I dun need u back to my life

I am living better than before.

So why dun u leave the way u did before.
Never to return as u promised.

Why return now?
Why return to mess up my life like the way you did before?

I dun need u.

I like the way my life is now.

Stop messing it up.

2006-08-31T08:22:00.000-07:00

One of my Fav Song, it make me cry, now and forever...

I read a note my Grandma wrote back in 1923Grandpa kept it in his coat and he showed it once to meHe said "Boy, you might not understand but a long long time agoGrandma's daddy didn't like me none but I loved your Grandma so
We had this crazy plan to meet and run away togetherGet married in the first town we came to and live foreverBut nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet insteadI found this letter and this is what it said"
Chorus:If you get there before I do don't give up on meI'll meet you when my chores are throughI don't know how long I'll beBut I'm not gonna let you downDarlin' wait and seeAnd between now and then till I see you againI'll be loving youLove, Me
I read those words just hours before my Grandma passed awayIn the doorway of a church where me and Grandpa stopped to prayI know I'd never seen him cry in all my fifteen yearsBut as he said these words to her his eyes filled up with tears
And between now and then till I see you againI'll be loving youLove, Me

2006-08-30T09:33:00.000-07:00

Sorry, sorry to those who have high hopes on me, sorry for disappointing u all, I gave my best shot, I gave it all, tired my best, but it aren't working.l Sorry I couldn't help, sorry for everything.

Truthfully...

I am really sorry.

2006-08-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

I realise I dun have the right or is deprived of the right to complain. I have no idea why is it only others can complain every little problem to me and I didn't mind, but when I just need to destress, people say I am being sarcastic. It really hurts me. Goodness sake, wads is tat ar? Stupid.

Just because I look like I am not stress
I look like I am heck care about many thing things. Does that mean I am not human?

Did I blame any1?
Did I push my problem to any?
So now everything I do is wrong because I am in the wrong?

So what now? I am not human? I can't even complain, I didn't even go to the extent other does because I understand them, but freaking where are the people who will understand me?

I am getting tired, tired of getting scolded, tired of trying and still getting blamed, I can't go on any further...

haiz, muggers are my idols

2006-08-29T04:56:00.000-07:00

So long nv blog, BECAUSE COM SOT LIAO!

Damn la, everything all in a mess, I dun wan get retain, very scared la... Haiz, but I not mugger la, how to force myself leh? Someone, save me! Been failing everything. But I dun blame anyone, is all my fault, I am slacking too much... haiz, too bad regret dun help much.

Been facing alot of stupid things happening, a HUGE misunderstanding that I hope to clear out soon.

Oh Ya! I noe this sounds stupid, but I LOVE PW! At least I think my pw groups rocks, everyone is putting effort, and ALOT of effort. I guess we're very lucky, cause some of my frens I heard, have to do WHOLE WR on their own, poorthingy! Oh well, PW ROX! So far everything is going smoothly except the prev WR which I screwed up the body of it. (Sry, dunno if screwed is spell/use like tis, first time using tis word, learnt frm Ade)

Last Wed. That day, theresa wasn't there, me n only me alone to deal with the NTU peaple etc..so scary...almost thought cannot cope le. Thanks for Shang n Cal, they sort of gave me mental support. I think Biz Club has train me to be more vocal and more daring... At least, my voice dun shake as much as b4 when speaking to so many people, even though probably half the people aren't listeining. Haha, most of the time, the whole biz v quiet, and those NTU people keep asking qns, only me n shang answering...hmm, rather boring arhz, lucky those people can entertain themselves...

Tml! Last offical Meeting Of Biz Club 2006, hmm, dunno how tml will go, I hope the Pds really cooperate to prepare the food n make the "party" successful, if not will kana scolded again, hope everyone enjoys it!
After that...

Maybe I will go and find a book " Steps to be A Mugger "

2006-08-09T10:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, there so many things I cannot explain, even to myself, why am I such a mess...

What am I looking for? What am I searching for?

So many things I cannot say, not even on my blog, why is this way? Is it because I cannot type it out or words just cannot express it...

2006-08-09T09:44:00.000-07:00

I feel like vomiting blood...I dunno how long can I stand firm with my decision...

If trying is not the way out.

Maybe, giving up is.

COMPLAIN

2006-08-03T03:43:00.000-07:00

I just realise I have been complaining on my blog from studies to my life, actually, was just trying to "unstress". And most of my blog entries protray like I dam super weak la, no lor, is just a stupid headache which somehow promoted to cold make me more blur den usual ( since I am already alwayz very blur, now tat means super blur)...

Today got like 5 hours of chemistry, so sick of chem today, haha tml at least can change flavour to bio n math...

I realised the earliest day I released this week is around 5pm, sad man, tml still have to go listen to talks until 6. For the LTC thing, I think can forget it, doc say I must take long term med le incase faint, no vigourous exercise and mus eat med again for dunno wad anaemia...dun even noe how to spell, blood glucose level low, old sickness back again...mus b because lack of slp. Blame who? Myself lor.

Heard Calina sick again...haha, one more prove to show jc life stress. Okk, stress stress stress all the way, I am craping alittle too much when I got like 2 test unstudied.

Headache

2006-08-02T04:44:00.000-07:00

Today really bad day man, my headache since yesterday haven gone off, and it got worse by afternoon. Yesterday finished my med le, vomited twice and got such sharp headache, almost fall down the stairs when going to MAC to meet shangyi...

So after Biz went to see a doc to get more med and those reduce drowsy pills n MC, but tml still have to go sch...sianz....

Afternoon biz club today was...okok la, spend most of the time planning and thinking how to deal with one very serious problem. The proposals done by the members were really not bad, considering the little time we gave them...I noe the teachers feel that we are not very efficient but we are trying our best le, we are....

Headache all the way through Biz Club today, everyone looked sleepy to me too. I even forget to ask them help me fill in survey, sad...JC life so stress...

Tomorow still must deal with Chem de thing, 4 HOURS of Chem la...dunno how am I going to d about tat.

Headache la...

2006-08-01T03:54:00.000-07:00

TODAY! Is a bad day, first thing: RESULT SLIP... I dunno what my mum going to say about the U's, I dun have a H2 Pass at all la... scary...

Super SLACKER...tat's me, I only wonder how to tell mum this, she surely dock my allowance la, cut down my tv n computer time...she even wanna keep my handphone after 7pm la...wth...

So sianz, then next, tell her need to go the Leadership Training Camp, she gave a direct no, expected that ans... Not as if I am desperate to go...but cannot dun go mahx...still got 2 days to persuade her, time being, result slip must be hidden from her...

Not angry with her actually, she was worried for my result also mahx,haiz...

Alot of things happen today, but some cannot say...still got maths to do...shall lend someone's work, I really no mood to do. Tomorrow still need to have tat GEC annoucement, heng ar, at least not I say, just receive my cert can le, if not I might stammer...lucky got one daring ger from biz :D

K, and yah...read me fren's blog, haiz my fren still crazy abt tat guy, she even came up with tis "It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone- but it takes a lifetime to forget someone."

Not really if I think so... this guy is like your...5th guy tat makes u dream about all day? Drama drama...pls lar...a lifetime..."a day to love someone", is love his look bah, not he himself...

Dun like today at all...

2006-07-30T05:15:00.000-07:00

Oh well today, in whole wasted another day, poor Calina got robbed, hopefully police will get her stuff back...

Just ordered Canadian Pizza, rather good man, cheap and SUPER cheesy, bloated now, wonder how many kg I gain,nvm,lol...

I can't believe tat anime I watch today was SO LAME, but I cried, Can't believe it la! It was stupid, tat means I must be stupid to be moved to tears by it...lol...

Right now worried, cause dunno got econs test mah, haven study yet and still got some stuff haven do, plus need to do hw...sianz...

Ok, I put alot of dotz today, nothing much more to crap:D

My fairy tale

2006-07-29T03:52:00.000-07:00

Just seen my friend's blog, troubled about guy. Lol, a good-looking guy is hard to find, a good guy is even harder. Stop seeking, what's yours would be yours girls...

A rich guy might despise on you..
A good-looking guy might dump you,
A good guy will be there for u...(before he sees a better one)

haha...nothing in life in perfect, life is not a fairy tale, there's no prince charming...

True love, people... don't exist. Maybe they do, but life is not just a 30 episode drama, love ends.

I heard from one of my friend, when a guy likes a girl, it is normally their look, but their personality is the one that change lust to love. Believe me, my dear friends, I believe you will find someone just for you, who likes you the way you are.

Love isn't blind, you are blinded by love. Love isn't everything, you think it is.
Love isn't just once, but it might last a life time. Love isn't just him, is also about you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SATURDAY! damn, wasted whole day, nv touch any notes n hw, lips bleeding, that's why I kept tasting blood. Oh ya, wanted to lose weight, but dun seem like working, cause ate alot of chips just now, haha. Full Metal Alchemist today is as usual, very interesting. This show is funny yet... it teaches me alot of things in life. Everything comes with a price.

Yah, feel so troubled. Mum is giving me pressure, she want me to give up CCA just because of something, so damit, just act blur. Then they keep complaining why I so fat la, 50kg nia, even though is fat la, but not tat serious what, it is not like overweight, dunno what they thinking, so easy lose weight meh? So sianz, life is so stressful. I don't like it at all. How I wish I don't have to grow up. Kinda late arh, already so old, still don't want to grow up. No choice right...

Forced to grow up... maybe, one day...I will...

2006-07-27T05:16:00.000-07:00

Today is another tired day, very sleep now, just come home around 7pm. Really sleep but gotta read the tml lect as Mr Neo might call me, can I might not be able to answer. So sianz today, so little people online. And watch an anime, kind of bloody and didn't bring spects, so don't really get the meaning...haha, overall, tired.

Just started...

2006-07-26T04:19:00.000-07:00

Ok! This is my new blog...actually is the miss blur queen here forgot her previous blog URL...Ok, so stupid, but should have gotten used to such a blur me. Wah, 7pm le, just finish my dinner. Kinda sianz, and dunno where to get nice blogskin. Anyone can help me? I wan most black de...and want music also.

<---recent pic

Life...

Biz Club meeting was like fighting a battle, always tat challenging, nvm, next meeting would be better!

Just after my biz club meeting, wah, always so late, 6:20pm But at least said whatever I want to, hope we can settle down and work hard together with my new Exco :) The detaisl shall be excluded.

What a bz day, basketball was quite boring as usual and math lesson...erm, dunno what she talking about. The whole of vectors are like WTH to me, dunno wat is it at all, all the n la...

Today, kinda sad day afterall, realise that it is so hard to be just a JC student, social life and school life are difficult to cope. Hope everything can go simple and normal...doubt it will ever, but let's hope for a brighter tomorrow...

Homework? Tomorrow bahx. What a slacker...